Just this week The Hand has scooped an interview with none other than Beorge Jush, the President of the United States of Aggression. Having only a short time to spare for the President, in his whirlwind world tour, The Hand puts the crucial questions on everyone’s lips:
Hand: “Good morning Mr President. The conflict in Iraq appears to be creeping ever more out of control, involving citizens from around the globe. As many in the anti-war lobby predicted, it is becoming America’s second Vietnam. Only yesterday, three Brazilians were killed in a huge explosion in Baghdad. What is the USA’s long-term policy in Iraq, especially in the light of Mr Bumfeld’s sacking recently?”
Pres:” Shit! Goddamit son, what is that you say?!
How many millions in a Brazillion!? What? Oh, BRAZILIAN….Jeez that was a close call. Yeah, thanks, Thelma, two with cream and sugar. …..Well, Hand, what can I say, the tactical issues surrounding the things we didn’t know regarding weapons of mis-distraction, sorry mis-representation, errr….secret bomb hideaways, Viz a viz the known unknowns and the known knowns were dependent upon the Dow Jones sneaking up on the NASDAQ behind unknown Iranian influences at the time when we needed to know what later proved to be an unknown factor”Hand: “What?”
Pres: “To be honest son, you need to ask Bumfeld. Or Gates, y’know, the new guy”
Hand: “Don’t you know the forthcoming basis of your own country’s foreign policy, Mr President?”
Pres: “No”
Hand. “OK, Mr Jush, let me put the question another way. There is a groundswell of opinion, rapidly growing amongst the international community, that the conflict in Iraq was nothing other than a thinly-veiled policy of hawkish world domination in the light of the terrible events of 9/11. Effectively, that 9/11 gave you carte-blanche to dominate the Middle- East still further, enabling the price of oil to be artificially inflated, thus buoying up the stocks and shares at Wall St to compensate for the weak US Dollar as your country’s manufacturing base is rapidly being eroded by imports from China?”
Pres: “Yeah I watched that whole 9/11 thing on the TV. Terrible business. That sonofabitch Michael Moore had better keep out of my way or I’ll whup his ass real good”
Hand: “Seriously, Mr President. There are many people who see the invasion of Iraq as nothing other than a method of the USA swelling its corporations’ profits in the weapons, oil and construction sectors, all paid for by hi-jacked Iraqi oil money. How do you counter such accusations?”
Pres: “Listen, son. Have you ever met that camel-jockey Saddam Hooosain?”
Hand: “No sir, but he’s on my list of interviewees. Actually, I’d better get to him pretty quick, he might not be around too much longer….anyway, no, we’ve never had the pleasure.”
Pres: “Well, son, let me tell you. That turncoat rat’s ass no good cheatin’ low-life deserves everything he gets, and I’ll tell you why. The CIA supplied that man with enough firepower to light up Tehran like Jooly fourth when I-raq and I-ran was fightin’ each other like two polecats in a saddlebag. We backed that boy with our money like he was a sure-fire cert in the Kentucky Derby. Then, look what he done done; he took all the bombs, missiles and nasty gasses that we sold him, killed off all his enemies at home, and never paid them I-ranians much more than a boo to a goose. That’s why we never found so much as a Colt .44 slug when we went looking under every sorry-ass rock and sand dune in that goddam desert. When that goddam towel-head one-time buddy of my Daddy’s, Osama Bin Liner, hi-jacked them there airplanes, I decided to teach them heathens a lesson they’d never forget. You betcha, son!”
Hand: “But, Mr President, what is, or at least was, the connection between Bin Laden and Hussein? Aren’t they from entirely different religious sects? Doesn’t their belief system exist at opposite ends of the spectrum? Granted, they’re both dangerous lunatics, but that’s where any similarity ends, surely? Bin Laden was, or maybe still is, an anti-modernist Muslim fundamentalist with a desire to reverse technological progress to a world ruled by male-dominated religious dictatorship, installing an almost medieval feudal system. Hussein is, or soon to be was, a despotic power-crazed bloodthirsty dictator. The actions of the United States in Afghanistan, at least post 9/11, were seen by many as justifiable. The invasion of Iraq using the same vehicle was seen by many as absurd. Once again, why invade Iraq using 9/11 as the excuse?”
Pres: “I’ll tell you why, Mr Hand. Neither Bin Liner nor Hussein were Texans. Any sorry sonofabitch who doesn’t worship The Lord our God or eat at McDonalds is fair game for the wrath of God. And Ye shall know his name is The Lord when I wreak his vengeance upon you. Geddit?”
Hand: “Crystal clear Mr President. Thank you for being so frank. As you mention religion, turning now to domestic policy, your popularity in the polls is at an all-time low, despite your landslide re-election into a second term of office. Do you think that there are other reasons for this downturn, aside from the body bags returning from Iraq?”
Pres: “Well, son, I’ll tell you what the problems are in the USA today: liberals, heebies, darkies, vegetarians, Hispanics, democrats, Muslims, unions, women who don’t know their place, reformists, Buddhists, George goddam Clooney, Jane goddam Fonda, abortionists, Amnesty goddam International, the French, sodomites, godless heathens, Michael goddam Moore, John goddam Pilger, anti-handgun lobbyists, spurious website leftist journalistas, and anyone else I haven’t thought of.”
Hand: “Thank you again Mr President. In the light of those comments, is there any point in asking you questions about human rights issues, Guantanamo Bay, the rate of execution amongst black men in Texan jails, welfare to work programmes, gun laws, the KKK or anything else I haven’t thought of?”
Pres: “No, son. There isn’t”
Hand: “Thanks again, Mr President”
Pres: “Anytime, Hand, it’s a pleasure.”
